User talk:Debaucheryforme
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Late night smoke page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! WhyAmIReadingThis (talk) 03:53, March 22, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:57, March 22, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story There were quite a lot of issues present in the story. Starting with the basics that had no impact on deletion but are still important, do not indent paragraphs as they tend to cause pretty large formatting errors in a story that can sometimes make it unreadable. You also improperly capitalized the title of the story, "Late night smoke". Aside from that, there are quite a lot of capitalization, punctuation, grammar, spelling, wording, and story issues present here that result in the story being below quality standards. Capitalization issues: words improperly capitalized or lacking capitalization. "Fuck, i (I)need a smoke.", "Knowing i (I) would hate myself for breaking my four month streak", ""She gripped my throat with all the might of a Herculean god", etc. Punctuation: Punctuation missing from contractions. "Thats when I heard it." Commas missing where a pause in sentence flow is implied. Grammar: it's=it is, its=possession. "worked it's (its) way through my body", "it's (its) outline seeming to dance through", "acertain (sic) it's (its) safety", etc. Typos: "I chuckled to myself, chasticing (sic) my mind for letting the night play tricks with me.", "acertain (ascertain) it's safety,", "That rythmic (rhythmic) dragging sound", "thought was to aproach (approach) this anonymous creature", etc. Awkward wording: "Even the normal nighttime chatter of owls out hunting and small animals scurrying for sanctuary was lacking.", "She gripped my throat with all the might of a Herculean (herculean, as you're not directly connecting it to Hercules, but instead using it as an adjective) god, drawing her face close to mine.", etc. Story issues: You forget to include some sections in your story: "And that sound.. her left leg, bent at an impossible angle, hung limp, her foot dragging and scraping the ground as she closed the distance between us." As the only previous sound described is her high-pitch groan, this feels like it wasn't elaborated on. Additionally the latter half of the story feels really rushed after giving the creature's description. Story issues cont: The 'it's all a repeating dream' feels forced into the story and has little application in the plot itself. Is the protagonist prone to prophetic dreams? Why are they having such thoughts. It feels like you wrote yourself into a corner with the monster and decided to make it a dream sequence to resolve the conflict. In the end, the ending feels pretty lackluster as we have a number of stories that follow the same plot of a person having a dream and then it's implied that dream comes true. There are quite a lot of issues needing to be fixed here and I'm afraid it's going to take a lot more than some minor corrections to bring it up to quality standards. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:42, March 22, 2016 (UTC) :That mention of a dragging sound is three paragraphs above the included line and between there and the sentence in question you mention this: "I tried again, ignoring the part of my brain screaming at me to stop being stupid and leave. The answer I got was nothing short of terrifying, a high-pitched groan that sounded like the glee of children in a candy store." making the connection seem more linked to the groan than the dragging sound. It would be like describing two separate items (two dogs for example) and then connecting to one without explanation about which one you are referring to ('and his temperament was bad'). It doesn't really work in the context of the story. :Try reading the line aloud: "She gripped my throat with all the might of a Herculean god, drawing her face close to mine." Feels overwritten and out-of-place, especially when you spend earlier paragraphs focusing on her decay/rotting form ("Her jaw, barely hanging from the rotted flesh of her face, swung about as she moved, drag, pause, drag. Her clothing was filthy, falling apart in scraps on her body."). While the description is nice (in places), there isn't a lot of content to the story and the ending feels pretty generic. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:07, March 22, 2016 (UTC) Please use a pastebin link rather than clog up a talk page. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 07:04, March 22, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:16, March 23, 2016 (UTC) Re: Poem Starting with the basics, poems should be in stanzas (especially ones followed a set pattern like AABB). Leaving a poem in one large paragraph doesn't work. I'll leave the grammar alone apart from mentioning that you seem to be repeating issues "music to it's ears." that I already pointed out. Onto the story of the poem, how exactly does the title fit in with the story? How is it a creature of habit? The plot feels vague at best and the short nature of the poem (less than three stanzas) give it a very incomplete/lacking feel. The descriptions feel vague and there really isn't a driving force to the story other than describing the creature and then ending the story. There are also a lot of awkward rhymes/a number of slanted rhymes in the story: "ears/hear", "edge/breath", "committed/wicked". For being only six rhymes, half are awkward/forced rhymes. I'm sorry, but I really feel like you should sit down and look over this guide on poetry as you fall into a number of the pitfalls that are pointed out in that guide. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:29, March 23, 2016 (UTC)